


Ten / Ninety

by nothlits



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Autistic Character, Autistic Kitagawa Yusuke, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Love can't fix your problems but it can help, Mental Health Issues, Might be shukita later I honestly haven't decided, Of the 'what if I disappeared' variety, Suicidal Thoughts, The power of friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2020-11-23 04:23:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20886062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothlits/pseuds/nothlits
Summary: Art is ten percent insanity and ninety percent a punishment from God.Or: Yusuke struggles with what it means to be an artist when your ability to make art has abandoned you. Ren helps him along.(On hiatus)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Working title: Yusuke Sadstuck
> 
> I literally never post multichap as I'm writing it, but this isn't going to be TOO plot-heavy, so I think I'll be alright. 
> 
> Big, big content warning for suicidal ideation throughout much of this work, as its focus is on mental illness and, later, the concept of hope and continuing to move forward.
> 
> This has no update schedule. Que sera sera.

It had been twenty-seven days. 

Twenty-seven days since Yusuke was able to put tool to canvas. That was almost a month, and it was too long. Around the two week point, he began panicking. By week three, the helplessness had settled over him like a thick blanket and trapped him in place. Now it only felt like he was waiting for the end to come. 

He had been called dramatic, emotionally volatile, more times than he knew how to count, but the reality of the situation was that he, an artist, was unable to create art. And that was an undoing of what he felt must be _everything._ One thread had come loose in the stitching of his life and suddenly the entire thing had come unraveled in front of him and the school board was looming over him, large and oppressive, with a pair of shears, ready to snip off the problem. 

At first, when he first began to suspect his future might not be the bright beacon Madarame had once described it as, he had been able to push through on technical skill alone. He made things. He turned in his assignments. He put charcoal to paper and paint to canvas, but they were just _things._ They were devoid of passion. They didn't speak. _Your heart's just not in it,_ Ren had once said to him when he voiced his concerns. And he was right, it wasn't. It hadn't been for some time. It was impossible to pinpoint the origin. 

When he had applied for Kosei and accepted that this was the only path he could ever possibly walk?

When he had lost his mentor and become reliant on productivity as a means of survival?

When he came face to face with the reality that the world was not beautiful or kind as he once thought, but deeply corrupt and vile?

He didn't know.

Now he couldn't manage to create at all. He sat, stared, mind growing numb. Nothing came to him, no flashes of inspiration, no sudden rush of energy. His eyes stayed fixed and unfocused on vast white nothingness until he couldn't bear it anymore and resigned himself to sleep instead. Even in his dreams, everything felt muted and uninteresting. 

He attended classes. He went out with his friends when they invited him. Otherwise, he sat in his dorm room feeling imprisoned by his own failure. If he couldn't do this simple thing, why did he deserve to do anything else? Why pursue any sort of leisure activity when he couldn't do the one task assigned to him the day he had chosen to undertake this profession? He was an artist. All he had to do was _make art._ And he couldn't.

He almost took a knife to a pristine canvas before remembering that canvas was expensive and he was broke and had very little to his name in general. The space was the school's. Much of his supplies were bought with scholarship money. He owned the clothes in his small closet, a few small trinkets gifted to him by friends, and a shopping bag full of instant ramen and cheap snacks. Very little was his to destroy in a fit of still muted frustration. 

He put the knife back down where it belonged and sat on his small futon with his head in his hands. _Anguish_ was the word his mind jumped to most readily, but even this was being filtered through layers of smoke and opaque glass until it was almost nothing. Like everything else. 

Ren texted, wanting to go out. He turned his phone on silent, but its last ounce of battery was drained by him turning on the screen and it died in his hand. 

He felt like he was waiting for the world to end. A meteor was hurtling towards Planet Kitagawa and there wasn't a single thing he could do to stop it. Maybe he could slow it. Maybe he could paint a line across a canvas and pass it off as minimalism, but eventually the impact would be inevitable. No art meant no arts scholarship and no scholarship meant no enrollment and no enrollment meant no place to live and no place to live meant— 

Well, it meant the end for him. 

The Yusuke Kitagawa formerly known as an artist decided to cut his losses. He would hit the big, red self-destruct button before the meteor arrived. He would blow himself to smithereens before he gave anyone else the chance to. He knew how to accept defeat. 

He pulled himself to his feet and paced the room. He pushed open the closet door and pulled out a suitcase. His clothes all fit easily into it with enough room to pack the rest of his few belongings. He piled up the completed paintings around the room in a corner. He took down his easel and folded it, then leaned it against the canvases. His paints and charcoals and brushes went into a small box and were pushed against the wall.

The room looked more sterile now, like it could easily be cleared out and given to another, more promising student. Someone who Yusuke hoped wouldn't be quite as much of a failure. 

Golden Week started in two days. In the morning, he would withdraw.

* * *

At some point, he had lost consciousness. He only realized this when he was pulled back to wakefulness forcibly by a loud banging on his door. Had he been found out? Was someone from the school here to kick him out, cutting his plans short before they could start? Maybe he could just ignore it.

He couldn't. 

Remaining immobile only brought on more insistent pounding and a familiar voice calling out his name. At that, he dragged himself upright and across the room to wrench the door open. On the other side was Ren, looking somewhere between concerned and surprised. His eyes roved over Yusuke's face before his expression relaxed into a smile.

"Hey, you're alive." Ren ran a hand through his own hair. 

"I am." Yusuke shifted his weight from one foot to the other and kept his eyes on a spot on the doorframe. "Can I assist you with something?"

"Can I come in?" 

Yusuke looked over his shoulder at the state of his room, decided it wasn't worth fighting someone as stubborn as Ren, and stepped aside to let him in. He watched Ren look around the room and saw his expression shift once again into confusion. 

"You cleaning?" Ren shut the door behind himself and stepped in further to investigate. 

"Something like that, yes." Yusuke stayed planted in the same spot by the door, arms crossed loosely over his chest. He hadn't anticipated having to explain this to anyone. He had only gotten as far as knowing he was going to disappear. The finer details would have had to come later. 

"This is…" Ren stared at the canvases piled in the corner and then at the neatly packed suitcase by the closet. "Where have you been lately? Did you go somewhere?"

"Pardon?" Yusuke shifted awkwardly, still refusing to move. 

"I haven't heard from you in weeks. You don't answer my texts, or anyone else's, and you have a bag packed, so…" Ren gestured at the aforementioned bag, then shrugged. "What's going on?" 

"I haven't gone anywhere." 

"Then you're _going_ somewhere."

Yusuke heard no question and therefore decided not to provide an answer.

"Where are you going?" 

Yusuke heard a question this time, but still elected not to provide an answer.

"Yusuke?" Ren stepped over closer to him and tried to make eye contact. Yusuke skillfully avoided it, tilting at the waist and craning back to prevent Ren's desired outcome. It must have looked comical. "Yusuke. C'mon." Ren reached out a hand and grabbed his shoulder to make him stay still. Yusuke flinched and the hand retracted. "Sorry." 

"Please do not touch me without asking." Yusuke put his own hand over the spot where Ren's had been. His skin felt too hot, tingling and almost _searing_ from the brief contact. 

"Yeah, sorry. I know. I'm sorry." Ren backed off again, but kept his face on Yusuke's, even if his attempts at meeting his gaze failed. "I'm just worried about you." 

“You needn’t worry over me.” 

“Okay, maybe I _needn’t,_ but I will.” Ren attempted a smile. “Because you’re my friend and when you disappear for weeks and I show up and your room looks like _this,_” he gestured around the space. “I’m going to be at least a little concerned. What’s going on?”

Yusuke started to speak, felt the words die in his throat, and pursed his lips. He dropped the hand on his own shoulder and fidgeted with his fingers in front of himself. For all the fantasizing about just up and leaving, he found himself too cowardly to speak up about it now to someone else. The isolation he had taken up had been in part to avoid the humiliation of letting others in on his slow descent into this state of blank, hazy nothing. He was sure Ren could see on his face just how hollow he was now. He felt his spirit had died. Surely, it showed. 

He briefly glanced up to meet Ren's gaze, got a small, patient smile from him, and then looked down again at his own hands silently. The words wouldn't come to him. For once, there was nothing he could say. 

Ren kept quiet for several more minutes. If anyone understood that Yusuke often needed time and space to process and respond to things, it was him. But right now, the silence just felt heavy. Yusuke wished more than anything that he could just disappear into a cloud of smoke and never be seen again. An act just theatrical enough to leave his audience in awe before the reality that he was gone set in. 

Instead, he stood there in his small but barren dorm room, swaying on his feet only slightly, and trying and failing to find the answer to a question that felt much too difficult for how simple it should have been. 

Ren's patience had run out, it seemed. He looked around the room again, sighed to himself, and went and sat down on the futon on the floor, eyes up on Yusuke. He patted the spot next to him, but Yusuke remained still. Ren didn't seem too bothered by that.

"You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to." Ren's voice was low and reassuringly gentle. "But I need to know you're going to be okay. That you're not… I dunno, _plotting_ something." 

"What do you imagine I'm plotting exactly?" Some words finally managed to force themselves up and out of Yusuke's throat. He immediately felt sick to his stomach. 

Ren took a deep breath, glanced once again to the suitcase by the closet, pursed his lips, and then spoke more quietly. "I don't want to say it. And I hope I'm wrong." 

Yusuke hummed once. 

"But you've been so withdrawn. Even before you started ghosting everyone, you got so quiet. You don't seem like _you,_ and… Hey, I'm just worried. It's nothing, right?" Ren tilted his head to the side and grinned, but it quickly faded when Yusuke shrugged. "No, hey, I mean, it's… I just got a bad feeling." 

"No need." Yusuke busied himself with the hem of his sleeves. "Is there something I can assist you with this evening?" 

He glanced up briefly to see Ren staring at him with a sad expression he couldn't parse beyond that simple descriptor, and looked away again.

"Do you wanna come stay with me over the break?" Ren spoke plainly, but there was just an edge of emotion in his voice that he couldn't hide entirely. 

Yusuke in turn felt ashamed that he had made his dear friend feel such a thing.

"No. Thank you for your offer, though. It is considerate of you." His eyes landed on a miniscule paint stain on the floor and stuck there. He would have to get that out somehow before he left.

"What? C'mon, you're already packed!" Ren grinned and gestured again at the suitcase. Yusuke kicked himself for not tucking it into the closet. "And I'm _way_ more fun than whatever you have planned. Probably." Ren ran a hand through his messy hair, still smiling, though a bit more nervously now.

Yusuke kept his eyes focused on the paint on the floor. He knew that ignoring Ren wouldn't make him go away, but it was worth trying anyway. 

"I got a bunch of money saved up. We could go on a trip somewhere." Ren's tone shifted again into something more encouraging. As if he were bargaining with a child. "I'll buy you fancy dinner. Dessert too. With me, you will eat like a king! I won't even make you survive on coffee and curry!" 

Yusuke lifted his gaze to Ren's face and studied his expression. He seemed happy enough, but there was something else… Some sort of desperation? There was no way that Ren could have ascertained the situation based on a packed bag alone, and Yusuke had told his troubles to no one. Was there something Yusuke wasn't understanding? It wouldn't be the first time. 

He settled for shrugging again and pacing over to stand by the window instead, one hand on the ledge. He saw Ren tense for some reason.

"Hey…" Ren spoke softly. He stood and came over to stand with Yusuke and leaned against the wall. "I'm not gonna force you, but… Do you understand why I'm worried?" 

"As I've said, you have no reason to–"

"But do you understand why I _am?_" Ren tried to make eye contact. Yusuke wouldn't let him and stared at a spot past his shoulder. 

He didn't answer. He tried to process why someone might worry about him and came up empty-handed. There was no worth to a person like him. Nothing to be concerned about. Without creating, he simply existed, taking up space and time and money and–

"Yusuke," Ren's gentle voice broke through his thoughts and dragged him back. He tried to focus. "I really care about you. And I'm scared that you–" Ren ran a hand through his hair again, sighed, and looked down at the windowsill. "I don't wanna lose you." 

"What do I have to offer you that you would be at such a loss for if I were to simply disappear?" 

Ren stared at him, eyes wide and mouth just slightly open. He started to speak a few times before any sound came out. 

"I– You–" Ren fumbled through a few more stuttered words. The cool and collected front he so often put up crumbled in front of Yusuke's eyes, leaving him vulnerable. "_You._ You have _you_ to offer me. Your friendship, your–" Ren gestured at him frantically. "Do you really think that you're worthless to me?" Ren sounded as if he were on the verge of tears suddenly.

Yusuke looked away again. "I suppose so." His voice came out flat and emotionless. A stark contrast to Ren's near hysterics. 

"_Yusuke…_" Ren breathed his name out and reached out a hand to touch his shoulder, but stopped himself just before making contact. Yusuke took half a step back. Ren lowered his hand. "You're my friend."

"You have many other friends–"

"So do you." The gentleness in Ren's voice was gone now, replaced with stern force. "Friends who love and care about you and are worried because you're doing stuff like talking about _disappearing._" 

Yusuke swallowed hard and pressed himself back into the corner between the window and wall. He wanted more than anything for Ren to just walk out and leave him alone. He couldn't bring himself to demand it. He didn't think Ren would follow through anyway. So he stayed silently staring down at his hands and waiting for this situation to pass on its own, knowing full well that it wouldn't.

Ren stayed silent as well. He was always good about giving Yusuke quiet time and physical space when he needed it. He was perceptive of his friends' needs, even the strange ones. In the past, Yusuke had felt special knowing that Ren paid enough attention to him to begin wordlessly backing off when his own brain started to fizzle at the edges. Now he only felt put on the spot, literally backed into a corner like some sort of wounded animal.

"I'm sorry." Ren's tone softened again and quieted down to barely more than a murmur. "I'm just scared. I know I'm not supposed to be. I'm supposed to be the big strong leader, but… I think we've all lost enough."

Yusuke let out a breath through his mouth without meaning to. It came out loud and uneven. The pain of knowing he was causing distress, worry, _fear,_ to not only Ren but to the others in his life was too much for him to bear. All the more reason for him to vanish. No Yusuke, no one to fret needlessly over. Why put energy into caring for someone like him? It didn't make any sense. 

His knees felt weak. 

"Hey," Ren's voice sounded far away. "C'mon, let's–"

Yusuke let his legs give out and lowered himself to a crouched position, arms hugging his knees tightly to his chest and face buried. If he made his too-large frame small enough, maybe he really could just vanish into thin air. He could erase himself from everyone's minds. Forgotten like an unpleasant dream. 

A burning weight settled onto his arm and he flinched away and whined. He pressed himself back closer into the corner. _Go away go away go away go away–_

Ren didn't touch him again. He didn't say anything. The silence was stifling, but Yusuke knew that if he had to process any more input, this embarrassing display would only be the beginning. 

He felt worse at the realization that he was only unloading more and more fear onto Ren by behaving this way. But he couldn't loosen his posture and he couldn't lift his head and he only had two concrete words repeating in his mind. Everything else came in waves of emotion he couldn't pin down. He was drowning. There was nothing to grab onto. 

He didn't know how long he sat like that with his thoughts slamming around into the walls of his brain, but when he was finally able to start dragging himself back to a sense of functionality, he realized he was rocking slowly on the balls of his feet. His brain was quiet. He could breathe. 

Slowly, he lifted his head.

Ren was sitting in front of him on his knees, legs folded under himself, head resting against the wall. He smiled when Yusuke's eyes met his for a fraction of a second. 

"Hey," Ren spoke as quietly as he could. The sound reverberated against Yusuke's eardrums unpleasantly, but it wasn't unbearable. "Can I get anything for you?" 

Yusuke started to answer, found that he couldn't find the right motions to get the words to move from his brain to his tongue, and instead sat and stared at a spot on Ren's shirt. Ren was silent, non-disruptive. Unendingly patient as always. 

It took him too long to remember he could shake his head to indicate an answer. He did.

"Have you eaten recently?" 

Yusuke tried to remember. He couldn't. His days had been school, sitting unmoving and willing himself to make _something,_ and then falling into a fitful sleep for at least the past week. Had he been remembering to eat? Presumably, he had eaten at some point, but the answer to what or when eluded him. 

He must have been making a face, because Ren didn't wait for him to confirm or deny. 

"Come over and let me get you dinner?" He phrased it as a question, but Yusuke knew it was a carefully worded command. The same as before. Ren wanted to hold him hostage over the break. If he went over now, he likely wouldn't be released. 

He was too tired to fight it. A hot meal sounded nice. He shut his eyes and nodded, then lowered his head back down to his knees. 

"Whatever you want. Within reason, I mean. I still wanna take you somewhere nice over break, so I can't go blowing all my savings on a five course meal right off the bat." Yusuke could hear the grin in Ren's voice. "You don't have to tell me now. We can figure it out once we get back." 

Yusuke nodded weakly into his arms. He heard Ren stand and walk away, then the sound of his suitcase being moved. He lifted his head to watch. 

"Is all your stuff in here?" Ren looked to Yusuke for an answer. He nodded. "It's so light." Ren lifted the suitcase with one arm a few times as if he were lifting weights. 

Yusuke let him have his fun on his own, then slowly stood and tried to regain his balance. He stumbled a bit, grabbed the windowsill, and was able to right himself. The overwhelming volume inside his head had been replaced by the thick clouds of smoke that occupied it most of the time these days. Everything felt slightly dream-like. 

He made his way over to Ren and stood silently in front of him, trying to decide if he really should go with him. He could still probably slip out of Leblanc undetected at night if he was careful not to wake Ren, but Morgana was a light sleeper and also stealthy enough that he could follow Yusuke undetected if Ren asked him to. This was going to turn into a lockdown situation, and that was embarrassing. 

Was he so incompetent that he needed to be watched like this? Could he not be trusted to be on his own? 

He remembered that he hadn't eaten in an indeterminate amount of time and that his phone was currently dead, and thought that no, he probably couldn't be. Ren was right to think that. 

"Ready to go?" Ren grinned at him so genuinely that he very nearly smiled back, but settled for just tilting his head and nodding. 

He took the suitcase out of Ren's hand and carried it himself. The least he could do was lug around his own dead weight.

Ren held the door open for him and they left for Leblanc.

* * *

Yusuke expected a weight to lift off of him once he entered Leblanc's door, but the moment he locked eyes with his mother's face on the wall, he only felt the weight double in pressure. Normally, he would take some time to stand and examine the painting, to exchange a few silent words with her, but now he felt that he needed to get as far away from it as possible. 

It somehow hadn't occurred to him until that moment how disappointed his mother would have been in him. The one thing he had certainly inherited from her had been a talent for painting, and now it had up and left him abandoned and with little else. She had given him a gift and he had let it get away. Surely, she would be disgusted with what a useless, talentless wreck her only son had become. 

Ren had paused by the bar to let him conduct his usual ritual, but Yusuke pushed past him and up the stairs into the attic. Once he realized Yusuke had no intention of coming back, he followed. Yusuke could hear the stairs creaking as he ascended behind him. 

Morgana was resting on the bed, but stood and stretched when Yusuke appeared at the top of the stairs and leapt off the bed to pad over to meet him. 

"Hey! Ren actually managed to drag you out of your cave." He sounded smug. Yusuke only stared at him blankly. 

Was that what his friends thought of him? A thing to be drug out of hiding? He shouldn't have come. He sat down on the couch with his legs tucked under him tightly. 

"Hey, c'mon. Be nice." Ren nudged Morgana with his foot and got a sound of protest in return that sounded much like a noise any cat would make. "Where are your manners?" 

"I am a _perfect_ gentleman." Morgana circled around Ren and came to sit next to the couch, big blue eyes up on Yusuke. "I just meant we haven't seen each other in a while." 

"Yeah, he's been busy." Ren sat down on the couch next to Yusuke with enough space between them that he wouldn't feel threatened, and took out his phone. Morgana hopped up and sat on Ren's other side. 

Yusuke hadn't been busy, but he supposed Ren was trying to save what was left of his reputation. The reality that he had been sitting alone in a room for most hours of the day doing absolutely nothing wasn't exactly enthralling. But Ren didn't need to cover for him. If his friends wanted to know what a worthless waste of space he had become so they could look down on him in pity and disgust, then so be it. There wouldn't be anything to hide much longer.

He noticed he was rocking slowly. Neither Ren or Morgana seemed to be paying him any mind, so he made no attempt to stop.

"Know what you want for dinner?" Ren glanced over at Yusuke, then back to his phone. He didn't get an answer. "You don't have to talk. I can just list stuff off for you and you can let me know what sounds good." He reached over and held out his hand, palm down. 

Yusuke paused to ready himself for the sensation of skin on skin, but placed his hand on Ren's and wrapped his fingers around it loosely. This was a very basic communication system, but it got the job done in equally basic situations.

"Okay, uh… Burgers? Ramen? We could make hot pot?"

"Sushi!" Morgana piped up.

"Sushi? The Indian place next door? Pizza?" Ren looked over at Yusuke to make sure he was paying attention. "I could just make curry…?" Yusuke squeezed his hand. "Man, seriously? I offer to treat you and you just want me to cook?" Another squeeze. "Okay, okay." Ren pulled his hand back to himself. "I can do that. Anything for you." 

Ren stood from the couch and stretched with a groan. "I'm hungry, so I'm gonna go ahead and start on it." He patted Morgana's head and got swatted at. "C'mon, sous-chef." 

"What? Why?" Morgana flicked his tail and rubbed a paw over the fur Ren had messed up with his hand.

"Because I need your help and moral support. I'm scared of the big fire and the sharp knives." Ren began walking to the stairs. 

Morgana bounded after him and soon disappeared. "You're such a moron sometimes."

Yusuke could hear them playfully bickering as they descended down into the cafe proper and then the clinking of dishes being moved and water being run. He stayed still until he was certain no one would be returning to the attic, then stood and moved to Ren's bed to lie down on his side facing the window. 

He took a deep breath and was slightly comforted by the scent of Ren permeating the space. It wasn't the first time he had taken up residence in Ren's bed, but he was suddenly struck with the thought that it may be the last. His last visit to Leblanc. His last meal of Ren's take on Sojiro's curry. His last time seeing his mother's portrait. He squeezed his eyes shut.

He was lulled to sleep by hopes that he would wake up as someone else.

* * *

Yusuke awoke feeling lightheaded and dazed, but that was nothing new these days. Opening his eyes revealed that he was not in his own room, and it took several more seconds for him to realize just where he was instead. 

Right.

He shut his eyes again, but couldn't return to sleep. 

His slight movement seemed to have alerted Ren. He heard footsteps and then felt the bed shift slightly. 

"Can I join you?" Ren spoke as softly as he could. Yusuke found that the sound of his voice was much more pleasant than it had been earlier. His physical presence might be as well. 

He nodded and felt Ren settle down next to him without touching him. Yusuke scooted back just enough that his back was against Ren's side. Like he suspected, body heat now felt warm and welcoming rather than searingly hot. 

Ren stayed where he was, shoulder pressing into Yusuke's upper back. They were both quiet. Yusuke almost fell asleep again, but Ren's breathing so close to his head kept him semi-conscious. 

"Can I talk?" Ren still kept his voice down. He was always so considerate. Yusuke nodded, but then realized Ren probably couldn't see it and reached a hand back for Ren to hold.

Ren held it gently on Yusuke's side. Yusuke squeezed once to signal an agreement, but continued holding onto it just because he could. 

"You knocked out pretty hard, so I just let you sleep and stuck your dinner in the fridge. I'll heat it up for you whenever you're ready. I sent Morgana over to stay with Futaba in case you just wanted it to be just us… Is that okay?" 

Yusuke squeezed his hand. Truly, he was indifferent. It didn't matter what went on around him right now. It wouldn't change anything. 

"You… don't have to tell me right now if talking is still too hard, or you can just write it out or something, but I really want to know what's going on with you. I'm really worried. I didn't talk to anybody else because I didn't want to make it a big deal, but Futaba is worried too. She loves you, even if she acts like an asshole about everything sometimes, and she's really not coping well with knowing how…" Ren paused, unsure of what word to use. 

"Depressing. Miserable. Worthless. One of those?" Yusuke pulled his hand out of Ren's grip and began tracing patterns in the sheets in front of himself instead. 

"What? No. Not at all. With how…" Ren sighed. "You're sending a lot of red flags right now. And Futaba was the first one to notice and she said it's because she recognized herself in them. She said you're withdrawing and isolating yourself and you seemed really preoccupied and far away when we _could_ get you to hang out with us. Ann said she asked you to go to a fashion expo with her and you didn't even seem interested. We're _worried_ about you."

"I'm sorry. You won't have to be much longer." 

Yusuke heard Ren take in a deep, shaky breath and then felt an arm go around him as Ren turned onto his side to hold him from behind tightly. 

"_Stop saying things like that—_" Ren's voice broke. It was shaky and ugly, all the smooth, soothing tones gone out of it. "We love you. I _love you._ Please just talk to me, I don't know what to do… I don't know how to help…" He pressed his face against Yusuke's neck. Hard plastic dug into his skin.

"Your glasses." 

"S-sorry—" Ren pulled his face back and removed his glasses, then pressed his face directly against Yusuke's skin again.

"Would it be such a terrible thing for me to be gone? If I—" 

"_Yes!_ Yusuke—" Ren squeezed him tighter and took several shaky breaths. "You're scaring the hell out of me."

"I have nothing to offer anyone. I cannot even create art anymore, and an artist without art is nothing. If I cease to create, I may as well cease to exist. What is the point of continuing on if my purpose has been stripped from me?" His voice came out deadpan, devoid of all emotion, once again a stark contrast to Ren's desperation. 

"Is that what this is about? You have _artist's block?_" Ren's voice was muffled against his skin and the vibrations made him shiver and squirm away slightly. Ren got the message and adjusted so his cheek was pressed against Yusuke's neck instead. "That kind of thing passes…" 

"And if it doesn't? I don't have the time to sit and simply wait for something this serious to pass." 

"What's so important that you need to make art _right now_ and can't just relax until you find inspiration again—"

"My tuition. My housing. I have nowhere else to turn. If I cannot produce the materials necessary to keep me in good standing with my school, then I have nowhere else to go. I will suffer. I will have let everyone down. It's better if I just…" He glanced over his shoulder, but could only see Ren's hair. "It's better for everyone if I take care of things myself. A tragedy is more compelling a tale than a simple failure to thrive." 

Ren nuzzled his shoulder and pressed his face fully against him again. His embrace tightened, but he stayed quiet besides his breathing, which still sounded uneven. Yusuke couldn't tell if he was crying. 

"Please stay with me this week." He was definitely crying. Despite his best efforts to sound put together, to regain his footing as a fearless leader, his voice shook and came out weakly. He was outright begging.

"What other choice do I have?" 

"I don't want it to sound like I'm _forcing you_ to stay here, like I'm— like I'm holding you hostage, I just— How am I supposed to send you back to Kosei when I don't know if the next time I see you, it'll be in a casket?" 

Something in Ren's voice, or his choice in words, suddenly pierced through the blanket of fog in Yusuke's mind and he was once again crushed by the knowledge that he was hurting someone so very dear to him. He didn't deserve whatever help Ren was offering him, but he was stuck in a position where no matter what he did, it would make things worse. Denying Ren's help and dragging himself back to Kosei would be not only very difficult to pull off, but would result in more pain heaped onto Ren and in turn the others. Accepting his help meant Ren's efforts would be going directly into a lost cause. Yusuke couldn't be saved. There was no way to explain that which wouldn't lead to an argument he had no energy for. 

He chose silence as an option for now, but grasped Ren's hand where it rested on his stomach. Ren hugged him tighter and rubbed his thumb over Yusuke's skin. The touch temporarily soothed him and he relaxed back against Ren. 

"You're my best friend…" Ren turned his head to speak quietly and left his cheek against Yusuke's neck again.

Yusuke squeezed his hand — an agreement.

"Remember when we used to go around and try to find things that would inspire you? We went out on the lake at the park, and you wanted to try painting in Mementos…" Ren barely laughed. "And that didn't really go well, but… We could do stuff like that again. We'll spend our break doing fun stuff… going new places…" 

Yusuke took a moment to process that. At the time, he had been so frantically distraught at the loss of his mentor and subsequent chaos his life had been thrown into that he had been desperate to find something, _anything,_ to draw him back to his passions. Now, that desperation had long since passed and been replaced by an empty void where his emotions should have been. It wasn't so much that he wanted to get back to the way things had been. It was that he knew that he _couldn't._ And that helplessness had consumed him. 

They could go to as many parks as Ren liked. It wouldn't change that his fate had been cut short right in front of him. 

Still, he had a week long break before he had to fully vacate his dorm room and formally withdraw from Kosei. He had nothing better to do until then than follow Ren around the city. 

"Alright." Yusuke traced his fingers over Ren's fingers under his own, over chipped black nail polish left over from his last sleepover with Ann. 

"Yeah?" Ren nuzzled his shoulder. "Let's go to the planetarium tomorrow." 

"Alright." 

Ren squeezed him and then let go. "Want your dinner?" 

Yusuke rolled over onto his back and nodded. He wasn't certain he would be able to eat, but the offer of Leblanc curry was one that was hard to refuse. 

Ren reached over and stroked his hair out of his eyes, then got up off the bed and stretched. He reminded Yusuke that he would be right back and went downstairs. Yusuke could hear the sound of the fridge opening and shutting, dishes clinking, the microwave door and subsequent beeping, and then Ren singing quietly to himself. He shut his eyes and let it soothe him. 

He felt slightly less adrift. The smell of Ren on his sheets, his gentle touch and soft, deep voice, had tethered him if only temporarily to something stable. A miniscule but solid raft in a sea of nothing. 

The smell of curry kept him from dozing off again and when Ren returned to the attic, he was sitting upright and looking at his long-dead phone. 

"Bone apple teeth." Ren grinned and set the plate on the bed and a glass of water on the table next to it.

"I believe it's _bon appetit._ French for good appetite." Yusuke pulled the plate to himself and was surprised to find his own appetite back in full force.

"That's what I said. Bone apple teeth." Ren picked Yusuke's phone up off the bed and plugged it in, but didn't turn it on. 

"Bon appetit." Yusuke paused to speak before spooning curry into his mouth.

"Bone apple teeth." 

Yusuke eyed him and got a big smile in return, but was too preoccupied with inhaling his first meal in days to continue arguing. He tried to savor the first bite, but by the second he realized it was a lost cause, and then the entire plate had been cleaned. 

Ren had settled back down onto the bed next to him and was typing something on his phone and looking focused. Yusuke stood with his plate and went downstairs without a word to wash it and put it away. Ren didn't seem to notice he had moved. 

He was acquainted enough with Leblanc's kitchen that he was easily able to navigate it on his own. Months of spending time with Ren and his other friends in both the cafe and its attic had made this more like a home than anywhere else he had ever been. More than his actual home. He had more happy memories in a coffee shop than his own dorm room where most of his time was spent in silent suffering. 

He stood staring at the water running in the sink and hoping the noise would drown out the increasing volume of his thoughts. Behind him, he heard a loud thud and Ren whining as he recoiled from where he had hit the wall coming down the stairs. He shut the water off.

"Sorry, I—" Ren held a hand to his shoulder and winced. "I realized you weren't up there anymore and, uh, I'm overreacting. You're doing dishes." 

"I am." Yusuke stared blankly at him from the kitchen. 

Ren recovered from his temporary daze and came over to join him. He made sure Yusuke saw his hands plainly and had time to react, and then nudged him out of the way with a touch to his shoulders. 

"You're a guest." Ren resumed washing the dish Yusuke had put into the sink before he had begun spacing out. "Want dessert?" He had to raise his voice over the water. "I stashed some ice cream in the back of the freezer. I'm surprised Ann didn't dig it out last time she was here. She's like a drug dog for sweets." 

Yusuke silently declined the offer and instead began moving magnets around on the fridge until their arrangement better fit his aesthetic requirements. He stepped back to admire his work and barely bumped Ren.

"Oh— Sorry." Ren finished drying his hands and leaned on Yusuke. His eyes landed on the magnets. "Did you move those? They don't look as… chaotic." 

"The gaze flows across them more naturally this way. You can more easily pick out necessary information." Yusuke held out a hand and drew out an invisible line along the door. 

"Oh." Ren appeared lost in thought as he followed Yusuke's finger. "That's actually really cool. Hey! You're making art already!" Ren gently rubbed his shoulder and he flinched away. "Sorry."

"This is no such thing." Yusuke put his hand on his own shoulder to shield it from further touch. 

"Yeah it is. You need an artist's eye to know something like that. And it just comes naturally to you. Cuz you're talented." 

"Anyone could do this." 

"I couldn't." Ren spoke plainly. He wasn't trying to put himself down and Yusuke knew that. 

Still, the confrontation was more than he wanted to deal with at the moment, so he stepped out of the kitchen and went back upstairs without another word. He heard Ren moving some things around, and then the stairs creaking. 

He laid back down on the bed and faced the window again, rocking slightly out of habit. It was something he did mostly when he was alone, but he knew Ren of all people wouldn't be the one to make any comments on it. Ren was always safe. 

He heard rustling of fabric and knew that it meant Ren was getting changed into pajamas. He supposed he probably should as well, but now that he had food in his system and was horizontal, he couldn't muster the energy to get up and dig through his suitcase for clothes and then to change into them. He might as well sleep fully dressed. He wasn't wearing anything particularly restrictive or uncomfortable. 

The lights went off and Ren approached the bed, but didn't sit down. "Yusuke?" 

Yusuke looked at him over his shoulder. 

"Do you want me to sleep here or on the couch?" 

"Are you asking me for permission to sleep in your own bed?" Yusuke turned back to the wall and shut his eyes.

Ren laughed quietly and settled down next to him on his back. "If you wanted space, I was gonna give it to you. You don't always want me right up on you." 

"When are you ever… right up on me?" He spoke Ren's words back to him slowly. They felt odd for him to be saying.

"Oh, uh, earlier? When I was hugging you. That probably counts." Ren suddenly sounded embarrassed.

"If I didn't want you to touch me, you know that I would make it known. I have never been shy about that to you." 

"Well, yeah." Ren fell silent.

Yusuke rolled over onto his other side and wriggled under the covers. Ren helped by holding them up and slipped under with him. He let his eyes linger on Ren's face once they were settled. He took in the way his messy hair framed his face, how long and thick his lashes were, the small scar that had developed on his bottom lip from being split open during his interrogation so many months ago. Ren smiled and he averted his eyes.

"What?" Ren turned onto his side so they were facing each other. 

"Nothing. I'm sorry." Yusuke resumed his rocking from before and brought an arm up close to his chest.

"For what?" Ren shut his eyes. Yusuke realized he had no idea how late it was.

He only hummed in response. He could apologize for staring, but what good would it do?

"It's okay…" Ren turned onto his stomach and left a hand between them where Yusuke could easily hold it if he wanted to. He seemed to want to sleep. 

"Goodnight, Ren." 

"G'night. Love you." Ren mumbled his reply, half muffled into the pillow, and brought his hand back to himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been contemplating whether i want to continue this fic, and i'm still not sure if i will, but i wanted to post what i have written, hence this chapter being half the length of the first one. this venture started out cathartic and has since just become a little too heavy for me at the moment. i might return to it another time when i'm feeling more stable, but i'm not certain.
> 
> you can find me at [mishimalovemail on tumblr](http://www.mishimalovemail.tumblr.com) as always.
> 
> cw: disordered eating related to autism, suicidal ideation

Yusuke woke up feeling foggy. That was to be expected at this point. His body woke up slower than his mind, and he was left lying still, body in suspension, for some time before he was able to rouse himself enough to open his eyes. Despite some movement during the night, he found that he and Ren were facing each other like they had been when Ren had fallen asleep. 

Ren had half of his face pressed into his pillow with a hand brought up to rest next to it, hair obscuring one eye, and lips slightly parted. His breathing was soft and even. Yusuke thought he looked beautiful in the dim morning light. He resisted the urge to reach out and brush the hair away from his eye to more easily see the curve of his nose and the way his thick lashes tangled together, and settled for watching him silently. 

Once upon a time, Ren had been a muse to him. He had been the one shining beacon of beauty that Yusuke had struggled to replicate on paper or on canvas. He had sought out a way to express the emotions Ren stirred within him and come up largely empty-handed, but even he could admit it hadn’t been energy wasted. In the time spent together chasing after inspiration, they had become closer. Ren had come to think of Yusuke as his best friend, had reminded him of that on many occasions. The thought used to comfort him. It had been a joy to remember that there was someone out there who held him in such high regard. Especially someone like Ren, who was so… effortlessly full of wonder.

He almost felt the urge to paint. Almost. He shut his eyes and tried in vain to hold onto it, knowing that even if he were to throw the covers off and leap out of bed and find something with which to work, he would be met with the same crushing weight and blank nothing he had been faced with each time he had looked at his tools for the past month. Even the slope of Ren’s nose against the perfectly angled curl of his dark hair couldn’t fix that. 

He felt Ren shift slightly and heard him sigh, so he opened his eyes again. Ren pressed his face closer into the pillow and brought their shared blanket tighter against himself. Slowly, his eyes opened, and he blinked heavily a couple of times before his gaze settled on Yusuke. Yusuke averted his own and prepared to be scolded for doing something like watching another boy sleep. It was creepy and weird, he knew, but—

“G’morning…” Ren’s sleep-thick voice interrupted his thoughts. He reached out a hand and did just what Yusuke had been resisting, tucking stray strands of hair behind Yusuke’s ear. The touch made him shiver and frown, though it wasn’t unpleasant. Ren noticed and pulled his hand back to himself. “Sorry. Just happy to see you still here.”

“Where would I have gone? I would have had to climb over you without waking you.” Yusuke's eyes focused on Ren's hand near his face, tracing mentally over the patterns chipped into his nail polish. "Perhaps in the Metaverse such a thing would be possible, but I am not exactly agile." 

"Yeah, I know. I just… had a bad dream." Ren smiled softly at him. 

Yusuke inched his hand over and curled two fingers over Ren's loosely so they were just barely holding hands. The contact of his skin felt warm, though Ren's hands were cool to the touch. 

"How’re you feeling?" Ren curled his fingers around Yusuke's in return. 

Yusuke stared at their hands while he thought. That was a deceptively difficult question to answer. How _did_ he feel? The ever-present weight was still there, as was the fog that had taken up residence in his brain. His processing felt slower than usual, though he might have been able to chalk that up to not being fully awake yet. There wasn't much on his mind now that Ren was awake and speaking to him. The urge to create had vanished like he had known it would, but nothing had really replaced it. 

He blinked slowly, focused. His eyes didn't leave their joined hands. He thought he must look stupid taking so long to answer something that should have been so simple. How did he _feel?_

"It's okay if you don't know." Ren's soft voice broke through his thoughts once again.

Yusuke swallowed. "I don't," he admitted. 

"That's fine." Ren's fingers squeezed around his. "Hungry? Want coffee?" 

"I… don't know." His appetite had vanished again, and he couldn't decide whether he truly _wanted_ coffee, but he thought maybe he could drink it. "But I'll accompany you downstairs if you wish." 

Ren squeezed his hand again, then pulled back, sat up, and stretched his arms high above his head. The light from the window caught the curls in his hair at just the right angle, and for a moment, Yusuke openly stared in awe. 

Ren met his eyes and laughed gently. "What's up?" 

Yusuke tore his eyes away and felt the heat rise on his cheeks. He didn't respond. The shame bubbled up in his chest again and he wanted nothing more than to vanish from Ren's sight. Unfortunately, he stayed plainly visible. 

"Hey, I'm not upset." Ren stood from the bed and resumed his stretching. "I just think it's cute when you get that look in your eyes. And…" He leaned over and there was a loud pop from one of his joints. "It's nice to see that again. It's been a while." 

Yusuke sat up slowly, but continued staring down at the sheets silently until he heard Ren shuffling around and then descending the stairs. He untangled himself from the covers and hesitantly put his socked feet down on the cold attic floor. The clothes he had slept in now felt too warm and weighted to be comfortable, so he kneeled down on the floor to dig through his hastily packed suitcase until he pulled out something he thought might be more bearable — a soft, loose t-shirt Ann had gifted him for his last birthday, black pants, a light button-up sweater to protect his arms from unwanted contact. 

He folded his worn clothes and placed them in a neat pile on top of the suitcase, stood, and slowly made his way downstairs to regroup with Ren. 

The lower down the stairs Yusuke got, the more readily he could hear low voices. The deeper of the two was easily recognizable as belonging to the cafe's owner. He paused half-way down and listened more closely. 

"... seems really down. I just want to keep an eye on him." That was Ren.

"You don't think he should see a doctor?" And that was Boss.

"Did seeing a doctor ever help Futaba?"

There was a long pause, then, "No. It didn't."

"It's not really that simple." The clanking of mugs. "I wish there was more I could do, but… I don't know how. And I'm… scared." 

"You're a good friend to him. Maybe if Futaba…"

Yusuke resumed his descent down the stairs and the creaking interrupted their conversation. 

Both of them looked up at him as he entered the cafe proper, and Ren slid a mug across the bar to him. 

Boss only nodded at him in that solemn way of his.

"We're working on breakfast." Ren turned away and began digging through the fridge. 

Yusuke took his mug and began to retreat to his preferred booth near the door. He realized that would mean looking at his mother's face and abruptly turned away to sit near the stairs instead. He huddled himself close against the corner and pulled his legs up to curl them underneath his body. Boss didn't comment on his feet being on the booth anymore. 

"Omelet sound good?" Ren called to him from the kitchen. 

He didn't really respond besides briefly looking up and vaguely towards the kitchen, then back down at his coffee. Ren seemed to take that as a yes and Yusuke could hear him getting out pans and setting things on the counter. Each small clang from that direction felt amplified until it was more like a small explosion directly into his brain every time. He pulled his knees up closer to his chest, pressed his face into them, and covered his head to try and block out some sound. 

He could go back upstairs, but he felt compelled to stay in place and suffer, lest his existence as a worrisome burden become the topic of conversation again. He didn't think he could bear the knowledge that he had become the subject of such pity and, in Ren's case, fear. 

The thought crossed his mind that, had the Metaverse not collapsed entirely, perhaps he would be carrying around a Palace of his own. A change of heart might have done him some good now of all times. But that implied a corruption of perceptions, and his perceptions were logically sound, at least in his opinion. It wasn't his fault that Ren didn't seem to understand. 

It wasn't the first time he had considered what a Palace of his own might be like. Having such extensive experience inside the minds of others made this sort of thought experiment a frequent one. At first, he had considered the likelihood of a museum like Madarame's. But that felt too easy. Of course an artist's mind would resemble an art gallery. There was no challenge there. 

His mind wandered through several possibilities. A zen garden, a store full of broken art supplies, a labyrinthian maze modeled after his former home, a paint factory with a rogue computer system… 

A plate was set down in front of him very softly, then another on the other side of the table. He lifted his head and saw Ren slide in across from him and give him a gentle smile.

"You okay?" Ren poked at his own food, which was definitely too hot to eat. 

What a question to ask. Was he? Decidedly not, but at least his thoughts were proving more of a distraction than a problem in and of themselves. Maybe that was a good sign. He didn't want to be too hopeful. He glanced up again and realized he hadn't answered out loud. Ren was still watching him patiently, waiting.

"Transiently." He went back to staring at his still untouched coffee.

"Well, hey, that's good, right?" Ren seemed cheered up by that. "We still on for the planetarium?" 

Yusuke nodded. 

"Good. How long has it been since we went together?" Ren attempted to take a bite of his food and immediately realized the mistake he had made and had to swallow it mostly whole to avoid scorching his entire mouth. He laughed at himself once it was over.

Yusuke stared at him with mild concern, then got up and walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Boss started to protest at having a customer behind the counter, but let it go once he accepted that there was no one else in the building to warrant keeping Yusuke out. He brought back the water and pushed it at Ren, who took it graciously.

Crisis averted, Yusuke slid back into his seat and tucked his legs under himself again securely. "Not since before the Metaverse collapsed."

"Huh?" Ren seemed to have lost track of the conversation. He tried again to eat his breakfast. At least he blew on it this time.

"Since we went to the planetarium together." He paused. "Then Ryuji took me for my birthday while you were… compromised. And I've gone on my own since then." 

"Oh, yeah, right." Ren swallowed his food with more ease now. "I guess it's just been a while for me, then. You can give me a tour." 

Yusuke finally picked up his coffee and investigated it. It smelled stronger than the blend he usually had Ren make for him, but otherwise looked normal. He met Ren's eyes over the rim and searched his face for an explanation of the deviation. 

"What's wrong?" Ren looked down at his own coffee as if he would find the answer there.

"It's different." Yusuke lowered his mug without taking a sip and went back to staring at the meal in front of him. His appetite seemed to have abandoned him again.

"Oh. Yeah, I made us the new seasonal blend. It's really good. Promise." As if to demonstrate, Ren drank. 

"It's different," he repeated. 

"Yeah." Ren seemed to be at a loss for a moment. "Do you… want a different one?" 

"No." 

He didn't want anything, really. The difference in the smell of the coffee had put off everything else just enough that now he felt dull discomfort and not much else. Everything felt just a little wrong. Eating was entirely out of the question and felt like a daunting task. Now he had wasted Ren's energy and time, and most importantly, the cafe's resources. 

He was stuck sitting and staring at an entire meal going cold in front of him, and the only thing he wanted was to vanish and stop wasting Ren's time. Instead, he sat, swaying in place, eyes tracing barely visible patterns in the surface of the omelet. 

The bell on the door chimed, signaling the entrance of a real customer. There was some chatter at the bar between a young woman and Boss. An order was placed. She took a seat at the booth by the door — Yusuke’s usual seat. 

Ren was finished eating. His coffee had nearly been drained too. And Yusuke still couldn't bring himself to do anything. 

"Want something else…?" Ren spoke softly so the customer wouldn't overhear. 

"No." He paused and shifted in his seat. "I'm sorry." 

"No, it's fine… I'll put it in the fridge for you?" He posed it like a question and hovered a hand near the plate to grab it. Yusuke nodded, and he picked it up and took it away. 

Yusuke stared at the empty spot in front of him where the plate had been and willed the guilt settling into his chest to be taken over by numbness instead. It wasn't. He tried to force himself to pick up the coffee instead of dwelling, but the fear of the unknown kept him from doing more than gently nudging it with his hand. He was sure it tasted fine. Leblanc had a reputation to uphold — they couldn't sell bad coffee. And by now Ren knew exactly how Yusuke took his coffee, down to every last detail. It would be fine. It would taste good, and it would wake up his persistently groggy brain. He could drink it. It was just coffee, and—

Ren came by the table again and picked up both mugs to take them to the sink. Yusuke considered protesting, but just sat back in the booth, feeling even more stupid than he had before. It shouldn't have taken him that long to decide on something so simple, and now it was too late. 

Ren came back past the table again, paused at the stairs, and informed Yusuke that he was going back up to get ready. Yusuke kept his gaze fixed on the foot of the stairs and nodded. His stomach growled. 

He considered getting up and walking out, abandoning all of his possessions to Ren’s care. He wouldn’t need them much longer. He had his phone in his pocket to serve as identification should his body be found after— He shook his head violently, trying to extricate the thought from where it had burrowed into his mind. Even if he tried to get up and leave, Boss had been tipped off to at least some level of detail of his current situation and would likely stop him from leaving the cafe without Ren to escort him. Until he could convince Ren that his own survival was a fruitless effort, he was a prisoner. 

So, he stayed put for now. Chatter from Boss and the customer filled the small room and gave him something to focus on. They discussed the weather, a recent string of thefts in Shibuya, a new bookstore opening up in the neighborhood. Boss mentioned his daughter being excited about a new place to buy manga. The customer laughed.

Right. Futaba. Ren said she had been worried about him, that she had urged Ren to check on him. Along with Ren, she was his best friend. His phone had been turned off for so long that he had no indication of who else had attempted to reach out to him in the past few days. It was fully charged now and he could easily check, but the idea of being flooded with concern he didn’t deserve was making him anxious and filling his insides with heavy dread. His friends were busy people, for the most part. They led rich lives he should have held no place in. 

It occurred to him that he could simply destroy his phone or otherwise misplace it and become completely unreachable. No one would be able to ask after him with any hopes of receiving a response. It might encourage his friends to drop him altogether and move on from the time in which he had taken up space in their lives. A friend they couldn’t contact wasn’t much of a friend, after all. Perhaps he would accidentally drop his phone onto the tracks at the station, or leave it on the train to be taken far away. 

He pulled his phone out and examined it. Its case was cheap and had paint dripped onto it in some places. Miraculously, the screen had never been cracked despite being dropped onto the floor many times and placed in the bottom of a bag that had then been loaded up with heavy supplies. It was an older model, bought for him years ago, before he had ever suspected that Madarame might want anything but the best for him. Futaba teased him occasionally for not upgrading to a newer device, but this old one still worked, and despite everything he had put it through, it hadn’t given out on him. He supposed that was fitting, in a way. 

He powered it on out of habit more than anything. The screen lit up, and the phone vibrated once in his hand to signal that it was awake and functional. It was a comforting sensation, one he associated with friendly contact, a message from someone he cared for. Almost immediately, he got several notifications of messages, some from his group chat with his friends, and some individually. 

Most notably, there was a stream of messages from Ren that started off playfully nagging and ended up increasingly worried, culminating in an announcement that he was coming by to see him. Perhaps he hadn’t actually shown up unannounced, then. There were some messages from the others — Ryuji, Ann, Haru, Makoto, even Mishima — and a very long stream of intensely-toned words from Futaba. Aggressive nagging was her love language, he knew, and he felt his stomach drop as he read. She called him a shut-in, a hermit, inquired as to whether he had finally become famous and forgotten his old friends. She reminded him that she had plenty of fanart he had drawn for her that she could pull out to embarrass him when he made it big. 

She asked him if he wanted to come over and watch anime. She told him she missed him. 

He was a bad friend. 

Ren came back downstairs and announced that he was ready for his personal tour of the planetarium. Yusuke shoved his phone back into his pocket and got up to follow him out.


End file.
